I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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