DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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