This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
