why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
