I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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