Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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