You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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