"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
