i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
