Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
