Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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