I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
50% drunk capacity currently
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize