hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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