A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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