I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
