If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize