sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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