Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
