More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
