Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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