Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
