I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
How does one acquire holy water?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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