Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
