I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
