drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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