your thong is hanging out like whoa
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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