There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
