piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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