i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
