Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
