he wants to bone in the snuggie
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
