Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
