Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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