I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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