I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
