everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
