How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
