you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I can't turn off my feet"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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