ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
