wat bout pragnant strippers??
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
