i permit you to call me
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
