Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
