You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
