Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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