she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
