My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
