she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
