I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
