I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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