If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
